If you ever wonder why I don’t update this blog more, it’s just a case of “What else can I say?” I still binge, I still hate it, and I still obsess. Nothing new to report.
I started Monday out pretty well…ended it not as well as I would have liked, but the day came to a close on a non-bingeworthy note. I did a lot of praying, and it obviously helped. By Wednesday, I didn’t even want to pray, I just wanted to eat. It’s insanity. Utter insanity.
In my heart of hearts, I still believe in freedom. Freedom for me, freedom for the drug addict, the alcoholic, freedom for God’s children living in chains. Freedom for people living in the pit. In the pit, in chains. I believe. And even though it sounds insane, that belief is NOT insanity. J
I don’t have the heart to address Part 2 of “How I Got Here” right now. It’s a little uncomfortable to go back in time…and it’s very, very uncomfortable to figure out the here and now...the whys of what I do to myself. After I wrote all of Part 1 and the clarification entry, I felt that I had exploited myself for putting it out there. Maybe “exploited” isn’t the right word. Maybe it is.
I don’t like where I am right now. I don’t like at all that it’s mid-April and I am in the same exact spot I’ve been in for years upon years: Chained up in the pit.
Obsession.
It’s a mood killer.
However, I can’t change the past. I must make the decision to learn from it. I can only live today, I can’t live yesteryear over, and I must make the decision to make today all that I can make it. I can choose to use it to better my future, or I can choose to continue on the path of self-destruction.
Somehow, I don’t want to be responsible making a choice today. But I am responsible, and until I am free from this cumbersome burden of obsession, only I can make the choice to give in to a binge, or say “No” until I believe it myself.
It’s a stormy day in Alabama.
It matches my mood.
