If you ever wonder why I don’t update this blog more, it’s just a case of “What else can I say?” I still binge, I still hate it, and I still obsess. Nothing new to report.
I started Monday out pretty well…ended it not as well as I would have liked, but the day came to a close on a non-bingeworthy note. I did a lot of praying, and it obviously helped. By Wednesday, I didn’t even want to pray, I just wanted to eat. It’s insanity. Utter insanity.
In my heart of hearts, I still believe in freedom. Freedom for me, freedom for the drug addict, the alcoholic, freedom for God’s children living in chains. Freedom for people living in the pit. In the pit, in chains. I believe. And even though it sounds insane, that belief is NOT insanity. J
I don’t have the heart to address Part 2 of “How I Got Here” right now. It’s a little uncomfortable to go back in time…and it’s very, very uncomfortable to figure out the here and now...the whys of what I do to myself. After I wrote all of Part 1 and the clarification entry, I felt that I had exploited myself for putting it out there. Maybe “exploited” isn’t the right word. Maybe it is.
I don’t like where I am right now. I don’t like at all that it’s mid-April and I am in the same exact spot I’ve been in for years upon years: Chained up in the pit.
Obsession.
It’s a mood killer.
However, I can’t change the past. I must make the decision to learn from it. I can only live today, I can’t live yesteryear over, and I must make the decision to make today all that I can make it. I can choose to use it to better my future, or I can choose to continue on the path of self-destruction.
Somehow, I don’t want to be responsible making a choice today. But I am responsible, and until I am free from this cumbersome burden of obsession, only I can make the choice to give in to a binge, or say “No” until I believe it myself.
It’s a stormy day in Alabama.
It matches my mood.
((((Meg))) Wow, sorry, I just realized that on your live traffic feed it does put where I came from when I came to visit. Interesting.
ReplyDeleteI have no words. I totally understand. Believe in God and in his faithfulness.
betty
You know, Margaret, a thought has been occurring to me lately. Yeah, I know...I say that a lot. But it has.
ReplyDeleteI've been noticing that many bloggers have the same symptoms. I don't just mean binging/food addiction, I mean other SEEMINGLY unrelatted things. They say they do/have same things I say or think, but don't say.
Giving examples would turn this comment into a post, but here's my thought: I think that when we get to Glory, we're going to find out that there is SOMETHING beyond what we know that is behind this whole overweight thing.
I don't mean it as an excuse to eat a half gallon of ice crream a night (not that it's a half gallon anymore) but I think some day we'll find out somehting that will make us think that we gave ourselves way too much blame and contempt for our weight problem.
Someday we'll have an "Ohhhhhh, no wonder it was so hard for me to lose weight! And I was so disgusted with myself. If I had only realized...."
For what it's worth, how to lose weight may be simple, but doing it is extraordinarily hard. And multi-factorial. Ha. How bout that?! Multi-factorial, I tell you. :D lol.
Deb
I clicked over from Deb will be Free, totally relate to this poet, and loved her response, too! I don't believe for a second it's God's fault that I'm fat, BUT since I am, I do believe there is purpose. I can't fully see what it is, but I trust there have been ways I've grown I wouldn't have without this journey. Compassion, maybe? I don't know, not sure I'm even sharing this well...
ReplyDelete