Total Whine-Why-Me Fest

I'm really fighting negativity this morning.   I really want to give into it and wallow in self-pity for a while.   Instead, I'm going ramble in a post that may or may not be deleted.

I sure don't understand why things are not as they should be.   The Bible says:

1) Draw close to Him and He'll draw close to me.
2) Seek and I will find, knock and it will be opened to me.
3) Ask and it will be given to me.

I really don't see those things happening.    Yes, I have much to be thankful for, and I am very grateful for all the mercy God has shown me, but I would like to see some prayers answered.

This weekend, my church hosted Dutch Sheets and his Reformation Tour.   It was mostly music and worship.   Teenagers, kids (and some adults) jumping up and down at the front, and it was a little chaotic.   I was there for most of the time, and I kept hearing people saying "how awesome" it was, but I found it hard to concentrate through all the activity.   Since I was seemingly the only one who couldn't get into to all that, I wondered if there is something wrong with me.   I mean...maybe I can't get to where I want to be with Christ because I can't get into jumping up and down and "dancing" during worship.  "Worship with abandon" if you will.  The music was good, the musicans were very talented, but I didn't know any of the songs (I think they were original pieces); so therefore, I couldn't sing along.    Is it me, or is it them?    I tried not to be just a spectator, and tried to get into worship, but it was a little hectic.

This morning, R walked past me and said, "Your butt is really pooching out there this morning."   It upset me.  Then he came up and started touching my butt like he was amazed at how big it was.    I got really upset and yelled at him.   And yelled.   He said he was trying to give me a compliment.   I said, "I don't know how "your butt is really pooching out there" is a compliment.   Several times, I shouted how much I hated myself, and things like that didn't help me any.   He's not normally a cruel person, and I don't think he was trying to be cruel, but I felt that he was.   I whined to God all the way to work through my tears wondering why I'm not seeing the three things above.   I am having a hard time not doubting my "freedom's coming" this morning.   I have these promises, right?    I have the promise of freedom.   I am supposed to be free.   I am not...I am still fighting the same battle, for years and years now, and I'm so...frustrated.  Upset.  Unhappy.  Angry, even.   Guilt laden because I'm feeling any and all of the above.  

I have asked God repeatedly...begged...for Him to change me from the inside out.   To renew my mind, transform my heart.   I've tried to draw close to Him.   I don't know what else I can do to get there, but I feel like the stalker girlfriend who's continally trying to gain the attention of her object of desire, but continually held at arms length. 

Is it because I can't get into marathon worship sessions?   I pray a lot...I pray alone.  I go to a private place and I pray.   I don't do a lot of loud praying and yelling in public.   I can get loud, but normally, I talk to God like I'd talk to any other person.   I sit at the altar alone and talk to Him, and pray for family and friends, and things going on in the world, and America, and folks that I read about in the paper or hear about in the news.  

I'm really, really confused.   I choose to believe that the Bible is true, every word of it.  Therefore, it can't be God, it must be me.   As I struggle to make sense of where I am today, and I struggle to make sense of what the Bible says, and where my life is, and how I can't get the two to line up...I just end up in a state of confusion.  

I'm trying to be still and know that He is God.   But I'm not doing a good job of it today.

R. called as soon as I got to work.   He wanted to make sure I was OK.   I guess he feels bad about how upset I was.   I'm just really, really needing some tangible results right now...

I'm feeling guilty for even feeling this way when I know there are people in this world who have problems much greater than mine.   But a hurt is a hurt, and I'm hurting.