The Wasted Life

In late January, I applied for an additional position here where I work.  It would be in addition to what I am doing now.   I found out Friday that it appears I won't even get an interview for it.   I think I'm qualified...I know I'd be good at it, and I was very disappointed.   I tried to tell myself not to give into the negativity that was surrounding me like a black clould and clawing at me like a hungry tiger.   But by the time I got home I did give into it, and I whined to my husband about how insignificant I was, how I was just a joke, and had I been thin, I would have gotten an interview.  I know I don't know that for sure, but I was pretty upset about it, and my thought process is that no one talked to me because I'm overweight.

I've always had a problem with feeling insignifcant.  Unliked by the general masses.  Unhappy with myself.   More like hating myself for being the way I am.   I felt fat in high school, but looking back on my high school pictures, I realize I wasn't fat.  Oh, the life I have wasted.


I've been confused lately.   I know my God is not the author of confusion, so I am looking to Him to help me figure this out.   God promises His children freedom.   He promised me, personally, freedom.   But here I am...still on the binge rollercoaster, and I just don't get it.    I see so many people who are in my boat...some not so bad, some worse, but there are plenty of us...morbidly obese.

I've been pleading with God for freedom from this obsession for several years.  On my own, I have very limited (if any) success, and I really need Him to intervene in this area of my life.   I know that everything is in God's timing...but it's not like I just started asking.   I try not to be impatient and frustrated, but I can't help the feelings of sadness, confusion and low self esteem.

I really feel polluted.  I feel so far away from where I want to be spiritually.   I know my life wouldn't be perfect if I were thin, that's not even the point.   It's more the obsession than my size anyway...it's the way I feel about myself.   Some days I do better than other days, remembering that my size does not define me, but some days...it does define me...because I let it define me.   I'm really...in an emotional upheaval right now.   I really want to lay this burden down and put on His yoke, but how?     How, indeed.    I await His answer.

God is in control, and He is for me, not against me.