Disclaimer (of sorts): If you are not one to like long, detailed, TMI type entries, you may want to skip my next few. I’m working out a few issues, living out loud, sharing too much…sorting out my thoughts.
I’ve had weight/food issues for as long as I can remember. I must have known something wasn’t right…not normal…with me, even as a small child. These issues didn’t just stop with food or weight, obsession took over and became part of my personality, like a bitter root, choking out the person I should have been. Before I was in the first grade, I had accepted the thought that I wasn’t liked by others…perhaps it was because of adolescent name-calling, an abusive first-grade teacher, unpleasant meal times…whatever the reason, the battle for my happiness, my success, my very soul, was raging even then.
In elementary school, I struggled with both food obsession and with liking myself. If I didn’t like me, I felt I could rest assured that no one else did either. Even then, I felt inferior, worthless, unliked, and alone. By the time I was in the sixth grade, I was a little pudgy and that added greatly to my pain, and just strengthened my belief that I was inferior. In the eighth grade, I dropped a little weight, but my mind still could not separate the feelings of obsession inside with how I looked on the outside. More significant than that: my mind couldn’t grasp that my weight didn’t define me. I wasn’t fat. But I wasn’t skinny, meaning I wasn’t as thin as some of the other girls; plus, I was taller than most, and because of that, I felt so conspicuous. Bigger = bad. This is an issue I struggle with to this day.
When I was 15, my body wasn’t fat. My mind was! Not that I had a fat head, mind you, it’s just that my thinking was completely twisted. Twisted thinking will make you believe odd things, and start to obsess. Obsession will lie to you and make you think you can’t change.
This is a picture of me when I was 15.
I only post these pictures to show that I looked normal.
The battle was internal. (Sorry about the quality.)
And…there are people in this world who do not like me (or someone like me), and choose to never get to know me, because of my weight. That’s their problem. Right now, I’m talking about ME! However, stating the fact that there are folks who don’t like me because of how I look makes me also admit that I do not pursue relationships…fear of rejection, perhaps. Most likely, though, it’s because of my own issues I have about myself. I am not a person who needs a lot of friends, though, and I am not as pitiful as I am sounding in this historical entry.
When I graduated from High School, I still wasn’t fat. I was bigger than I wanted to be; therefore, again, I couldn’t separate (in my own mind) how I looked from who I actually was. God had a different plan for my life, but obsession made me feel so inferior that I looked for other ways to mask the pain of not liking myself. The life I chose was a lot more heartbreaking than it had to have been.
Senior Picture
By the time I was in my mid 20’s, I was gaining and losing 30-50 pounds semi-regularly, only I never quite lost everything that I regained, and in the midst of my yo-yoing, I was growing. The more I grew, the further into the pit I slid. The pit has a name: Hopeless, Despair and Discouragement. It’s a place I’ve called home most of my adult life.
28 years old...
Deeply entrenched in the throes of self loathing.
that teacher (first grade) should have been shot; what was she thinking being so abusive? Was it to the whole class or certain "targets" (you obviously included?) why were the meal times unpleasant?
ReplyDeleteI get the tall comment you mentioned; I shot up to 5'8" by 13 and never grew any more; everyone else around was 5'1" and petite, not happening here. I weighed 140 pounds in eighth grade at 5'8" and felt fat since I was around 100-105 pound girls, yet now I know 140 pounds is a good weight for that height.
were you self loathing about your weight or "you" in general? I thought both your high school picture and at 28 that you were beautiful and I almost see "expectancy" in your eyes
I look forward to reading more
betty
What a beautiful girl looks out from those pictures--and from your post, she obviously didn't know it. That's so sad. One wonders how that happens.
ReplyDeleteI was always pudgy--at best. My pictures prove that. The only time I had an almost normal weight began in the summeer after I graduated from high school and lasted for a couple of years. I thought I was still too fat. My pictures show that I was just fine, so I understand the whole fat brain syndrome. :)
More than that, I identify with the beginning of this post in which you describe your feelings about yourself when you were very young. In fact, I had an "ohhhh, no wonder her writing feels like my own thoughts so often; we've come from the same place." kind of thing.
Of course, as I looked at your pictures, I also thought--"Why would she think the same kind of things that I did, she was beautiful." Apparently, how we look is not the key to how we think about ourselves.
How did that evil seed get planted in each of us, I wonder. Bitter root. Perfect description.
I have a feeling I'll be working some of my stuff out with you. I've had a post forming in my head since I woke up this morning that I can't quit figure out how to write. The title will be, "Bruising Your Soul". Haha. Now that sounds uplifitng, huh? sigh.
God's up to something, Margaret. We must've been praying again...
Deb
I see a beautiful woman. The same beautiful woman when you show recent pictures too. SOciety drives me crazy with the pre-notions we must all be thin. I deal with this everyday in school. Getting laughed at and I know why they are laughing.
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