Monday, Stormy Monday....

This morning, I had a moment of panic when I realized that, yet again, I was beginning the day with food obsession.

It’s almost laughable that it’s another Monday, and it’s another start day for me.   Starting what, I am not sure, but I know that I will not continue on the same path.   There’s no more Valentines or birthdays, so February 28 is a good day to get started.

On the way to work, in the midst of my obsessing, I talked to God about it.    All the way to work.   And I passed Jack’s and two McDonalds and didn’t stop…that’s a good start.    

I could be distressed and depressed that I’m no closer to where I want to be than January 1, but I choose to remember that I do have people who love me, no matter what size I am.   I couldn’t always conjure that thought up, but today, I know that people do like me.    It’s amazing, in a sad kind of way, the many years I spent convinced that no one liked me simply because of the way I looked…and some of those years I wasn’t even fat.   I still fight that feeling at times, but I have to face the fact that it’s probably more truth in the fact that I still don’t like myself much of the time.

I should clarify…I don’t like the way I am.  I don’t like my weaknesses.   My constant giving in to temptation without so much as an attempt to fight.   I’m ashamed of the way I look, so I avoid a lot of events that I probably would have enjoyed.  

But today, I’m not going to dwell on the negatives of my situation.   The positive is that I will not binge today.   I will find something else to think about when the obsession starts.   Taking thoughts captive…

2 Corinthians 10:5 “Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;”

Proverbs 23:7 “For as he thinks in his heart, so is he:”

Today.

That’s all I have to deal with right now.

Yo-Yos and Rollercoasters

I’d like to report how well I’ve been doing with my diet,

but I’m not inclined to lie.

With me, it’s always something…. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentine’s Day, my birthday…whatever….and any excuse will do!

After too many “gastronomical delights” in Nashville this past weekend, I am, I’m sure, back where I started the year.    It’s not like this is an unfamiliar place, so I will start.  Again.     Getting started is just as hard as keeping it going, I believe.    There’s just got to be a better way.

The Yo-Yo Rollercoaster.

Welcome to my Amusement Park….

Only I’m not really all that amused.

Confused is more like it.   Why is it that some folks are normal, and then there are folks like me?   I guess the “normal” ones have their own issues, yes?   We all do.   Mine happens to be an obsession with food, and it does tend to show more than an issue with…say…spending money or hoarding, or stalking an ex-lover.   Not that I’m saying any of you, dear gentle readers, have any of the above problems…if you do, start a blog about it…I do like train wrecks, since I am one myself. 

Ah, But Honesty Can Paint a Pretty Picture...

I'm definitely feeling better.

Church last night was exactly what I needed to hear.

It was all about

Repentance

Change

Discipleship

Then I had a dream last night.   I was saying "no," making sure the subject of my dream understood I meant “No!”   And I was tying my walking shoes in preparation for a journey.

I believe some dreams have significance,

and I believe this one did.

I know there are plenty of folks who will not agree with what I am saying.   Some of these people are having great success in the weight loss battle.   However, I see a lot more struggle than I do success EVERYwhere I look.   I believe what the Bible says, and it tells me that He (God) executes justice for the oppressed and freedom for the prisoner.   Further, the Bible says that His yoke is easy, and His burden light.     *IF* I could have done this, I would have already succeeded.   

I believe in Truth.

I believe in Freedom.

True Freedom.

Free indeed.

The Best Is Yet To Come!

Honesty Doesn't Paint a Pretty Picture

I don’t even know where to start.

I certainly can’t say anything new.

Usually, it’s much later in the year before I give up and know I’m not going to be healthier/wiser/thinner by the years end.  I really feel like giving up.    I hate the obsession so much that even if I do give up, I’ll likely try again.   And again.  And again.

But I’m so tired.   Worn.   Spent.   Weary.

I hate going to bed hating how I feel, how I look, how I am,

and waking up feeling the same way.

I hate this entry, too.    I don’t like whiney, hopeless, defeated posts.

But that pretty much sums up my mood.

Today, I am depressed.   It didn’t start today.

I tried calling it a funk.   A mood.

But the simple truth is:  I’m depressed.

I really need to see a little freedom.   Some light.   Some indication that God really is listening.   I feel pretty isolated from Him, and the more insulation I pack on (weight) the more isolated I feel.   When this area of my life gets so unstable, my spiritual walk becomes quite unbalanced as well.  Perhaps I should take control and not let that happen, but I am clueless (and feel very powerless) how to do that.

I feel controlled.   Imprisoned.   Discouraged.   Defeated.

Disappointed.

I’ve said the same thing for years.   I’ve told the same story over and over.   I have fought this obsession....for years.   The only change I have seen in all these this trying is more weight.  

I’m just really…disheartened.

What I am is....

I believe I must be dietetically bipolar.   I can do so well half a day, and lose my focus in a matter of moments.  I do not mean just losing my focus of being on a diet, or "changing my eating habits lifestyle,"  I mean losing focus of what I should be doing...that is, putting Christ first.


I believe it's just that simple, and just that complex.    I should want to please God (by not being a glutton) more than I want to please myself (by eating like a glutton).    Should I pray, "God, make me so uncomfortable with my choices that I would rather choose You than choose the pleasures of this world."?

Freedom.  I still believe.

Food For My Thoughts

As I am thinking on this verse, it occurs to me...what if…I’m going about this all wrong?   I certainly spend more time obsessing about food/weight loss (or the lack thereof) than I do in prayer, worship, Bible study or church combined.

Matt 11:28) Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29) Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30) For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”

Knowing that God has promised justice for the oppressed, and freedom for the prisoner (Ps 140) and that His yoke is easy and His burden light, I will begin TODAY to learn how to rest in Him, seeking Him first.

Matt 6:25)“Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? 26)Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27)Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? 28)“So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; 29)and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30) Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31) “Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32)For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. 33) But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. 34) Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Because He Says So!

In regards to my previous entry, I fully well know that God is never too busy for me…I said that out of my own guilt of asking for help (all the while wanting to keep eating) AGAIN, when there are catastrophes all around.

I know there is freedom.   There simply must be freedom for people like me because I have the God of Jacob for my help, my hope is in the Lord my God, who made heaven and earth, the sea and all that is in them; who keeps truth forever, executes justice for the oppressed, and freedom to the prisoner.  Psalm 146:5-7 

 

I will keep on keeping on.  

Trusting.

Believing.

Hoping.

Resting.

Right Now....

I just don't understand why there's so little success.