I don’t even know where to start.
I certainly can’t say anything new.
Usually, it’s much later in the year before I give up and know I’m not going to be healthier/wiser/thinner by the years end. I really feel like giving up. I hate the obsession so much that even if I do give up, I’ll likely try again. And again. And again.
But I’m so tired. Worn. Spent. Weary.
I hate going to bed hating how I feel, how I look, how I am,
and waking up feeling the same way.
I hate this entry, too. I don’t like whiney, hopeless, defeated posts.
But that pretty much sums up my mood.
Today, I am depressed. It didn’t start today.
I tried calling it a funk. A mood.
But the simple truth is: I’m depressed.
I really need to see a little freedom. Some light. Some indication that God really is listening. I feel pretty isolated from Him, and the more insulation I pack on (weight) the more isolated I feel. When this area of my life gets so unstable, my spiritual walk becomes quite unbalanced as well. Perhaps I should take control and not let that happen, but I am clueless (and feel very powerless) how to do that.
I feel controlled. Imprisoned. Discouraged. Defeated.
Disappointed.
I’ve said the same thing for years. I’ve told the same story over and over. I have fought this obsession....for years. The only change I have seen in all these this trying is more weight.
I’m just really…disheartened.
I have no fresh words of wisdom.
ReplyDeleteI can only tell you this--I know. I've felt that, posted about it. If you go thru my archive with enoug patience, you'll find plenty of this post. Some quite recently, as a matter of fact.
I also know how it feels to blog a post like this. Let me tell you the truth about that--Those who will tell youi to "just be positive" and "stop being so negative" or "to let go of the self-pity"--well, they just don't know what they're talking about.
Most are so frightened by deep feeligns that they cling to false positivity as if to save therir lives. And maybe it does save them But for some the truth of these feelings need to be expressed, not denied and covered up with fake sunshine.
You posted this. You are on your way out the other side. It just may not look/feel like it, yet. And, no, if you see that little bit of light at the end of the tunnel, it is NOT an oncoming train. :)
I can only tell you what I last did when I was in the place you describe here.
I posted a song a couple of posts ago. The title of the post was something like "STrengthening the Weary Heart--Again" I clicked on that song and played it. The tears started about one verse in.
Now that's not usually what I do. I save that kind of thing for when I'm deeper and darker than usual.
Ordinarily--when it's just deep and dark, rather than deepER and darkER (smile)--is to go to my chair in the corner of my home office. The chair where I read my Bible. I sit in silence, and simply turn my heart to God. If I had just written this post, my only words would probably be--"You read my post."
And I wait. On Him. Just lean into my chiar as though I'm leaning into His lap. And He shows up.
When I'm so fractured that I don't trust my ability to do that, I play the above-mentioned song or one like it. It allows me to open my heart.
Feel free to listen to that little tune on my blog.
Prayers, hugs--and I know.
Deb
I feel like you wrote this post for me. I was feeling this the last few weeks. I forced myself to get out and walk Monday for 20 minutes. I forced myself to do that yesterday too. Then today I wanted to do it. I am now going to work on increasing it by 5 minutes and turning into a prayer walk and playing praise music. Just thinking about it now makes me look forward to that time. It took weeks for me to get my mojo back and you will too. It is just a season.
ReplyDeleteDeb and Becky wrote great comments; couldn't add anymore myself. Don't give up though, the year truly is young. Just give it a few days, enjoy your time this weekend, and figure out a way to regroup and reevaluate. will pray for you and ask God what direction he wants you to go
ReplyDeletebetty