What a Difference a Day Makes!

(Great Smoky Mountains, 2010)

This time yesterday I was still in my pajamas and hadn’t done a thing but eat.   Today, I have already spent time with God, walked, ate a healthy breakfast, and I went Wal*Marting. 
   

Yesterday, when Ole Boy got home from work, he asked, “How’s your day been?”   I told him it had been miserable, and he could take me out for a Mexican dinner.   Today, he’ll have a nice home cooked and healthy dinner…most of which is warming in the crock pot.

I walked 25 minutes!   I almost decided not to tell that it took me 24 minutes to walk a mile…but what the heck?  It did take me that long.   I then walked one more minute for good measure (and for my OCD’s sake).

Afterwards, I realized I was out of bottled water and my filter on the tap is way past prime.   I drank tap water!   It didn’t kill me.  Yet.   Got some bottled water at Wal*Mart.  I really need to get a new filter, but I am recycling those bottles…not that I believe in global warming, but I definitely think we should recycle all we can, and not be wasteful.

The difference in yesterday and today, I think, is the fact that I accepted God’s grace.   His grace is always there!  Some days, it just envelopes us like a warm fuzzy cloak, but there are times when we have to reach out and grab hold, and cling to it with all our might.   Today…it’s more like a warm cloak, and I am so grateful.  

I Need a Do Over!

In my arrogance, I didn’t think I’d end up on a binge over Christmas.   After all, I’d done so well all month!   That ended Thursday night.    Again, in my arrogance, I thought I’d pop out of bed this morning, exercise, and get back on track today.   Not so much.   In my grazing today, I pushed aside all the important information of my previous post and just blindly followed my craving to eat.   (I am definitely going to reread that post…a little preaching to myself is what I need.)

I don’t do so well alone, apparently.   I do love my time off…but I prefer Ole Boy here with me.  I should have gone to Weight Watchers…I didn’t.  I tried to go yesterday, but because of a half inch of snow, no one with keys showed up, just me and one other chick.  The roads were completely clear, but such is the way of life in the deep south:   Snow?  Go quickly!  Buy milk and bread and stay home at all costs.   I don’t really want to weigh...but I have already paid for it, so I may as well “man up” and go.   

Tomorrow when I get up, the first thing I’m going to do is spend a little alone time with God.   Then I’m going to get on that dreadmill…even if it’s just for 10 minutes.  I am certain, though, if I do get on it, I will walk longer than 10 minutes.   While I’m there, I’m going to working on memorizing a Bible verse.  Or two.   Or more.

I’m watching “Hoarders” on A&E.   It’s completely unrelated to this post…but ding-dang!   I have so much for which to be thankful!

I didn’t even get dressed today until after 1 p.m.   After I got dressed, I couldn’t figure out why I bothered.   Even though I’d eaten all day, I just plotted a way to go eat Mexican tonight…and may I say I didn’t have to twist Ole Boy’s arm too much, either!   And I am miserable.   I fully understand at least one reason gluttony is a sin…it just hurts so bad…in more ways than one.

I do NOT intend for tomorrow to be a repeat of today.  I’ve lost my mojo…it’s one of those things I couldn’t understand how I got it, not sure how I lost it, and am a little unsure of how to get it back.   So I’ll depend on Grace, not myself, to make the change and the right choices for tomorrow.   Starting NOW.    Also, I won’t kick myself for the last five days of binge eating.  

I only have to worry about one day at a time.

I can, after all, do anything for a measly 24 hours.

Moving on....

My weight loss today was another 6.4 pounds.   It was strange!    Friday and Saturday, the scales had moved a little...Sunday, a little.  This morning, before I went to WW...I got on the scales and couldn't believe it.   Got off and on again...sure enough, I'd dropped about 6 pounds.    I was hoping the WW scales would confirm it, and they did.

My biggest victory here is not the number.

It goes much deeper than that.



Changes and Choices

Weight Watchers, or any other weight loss plan, is not my liberator.   It’s merely a tool, a device for me to implement changes in my life.  Liberation (freedom) comes with a renewed mind.

It starts with a thought.  Everything begins with a thought, both failure and success.  Therefore, I must change my thinking.   Thoughts become actions, actions become habits, habits become a lifestyle.   I am going to have thoughts…lots and lots of them.   It is my choice what I do with my thoughts; I can choose to arrest thoughts that are detrimental to my mental and physical health.   I must learn to cast down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, and bring every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ.  (2 Corinthians 3:5)   This does not mean every time I think I’d like to have a cookie that I must strike that thought down because cookies are evil!    I will eat cookies again, I am sure.   For now, I’m happy that I’m saying… “Mmm, not right now, thanks!”

Success involves choices.   More directly, it involves making the right choices.   I know that the right choices are often the hardest choices, but when the temptation has passed, my joy for choosing correctly far outweighs the fleeting pleasure I had while giving into the temptation.   And there’s no guilt, no self-loathing, no wallowing in hopelessness and discouragement.  No cookies I ever tasted were worth those negative and very real feelings. 

Victory (freedom, that is) to me, is not switching one obsession for another.   It’s not spending precious time counting every calorie…every fat, fiber and protein gram that goes into my mouth.   Success doesn’t come when I am figuring out ways to eat every morsel I can and still remain “on plan.”  Ultimately, I will achieve only limited success when I still allow food to be the core purpose of my day.  It’s about eating healthy food when I’m hungry, and stopping when I’m satisfied.    It’s saying “No, thank you!” when I’m not hungry, and when I’ve had enough.  

It’s about TODAY.   It is knowing that I have God’s Grace to live today as He meant for me to live.   He promised that His Grace would be sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9). 

I. Can. Do. This. Today.

I know I can because I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  (Philippians 4:13) I don’t have to fear tomorrow’s failure.   When I awake in the morning, I will have a brand new and fresh supply of Grace to sustain me.

It’s my plan that on January 1, 2011, I will be able to say, “I lost 15 pounds in December!”   And I know at that moment, I will be so happy that I didn’t eat all the goodies available to me this Christmas week.   (I do plan to eat some goodies on Christmas Eve at my little party, and on Christmas at Mom’s!   I will have to go to WW and weigh on Sunday, that that will help me keep things in check, but I know deprivation isn’t the answer.)

I am grateful.

December Days, No Haze, No Daze!

December has been successful thus far (though I wonder about calling days of normality “successful.”) I have had candy and cookies, candy coated cookies, and candy coated pretzels, cupcakes and other various and assorted Christmas goodies tossed my way this month, and I have not partaken of even one! Some sweets have sat on my desk for days, and I didn’t eat them.


I’m not bragging.  I am amazed!  I do not know why on Sunday two weeks ago I wanted to eat everything in sight, as I had done for the several months before…yet Monday morning, I got up and was strong enough to say “No!” It must surely be Grace, because there is no other explanation.

Having said all that…I’ll tell you that I’ve turned down all that sugar, ate normal, healthy meals and snacks, and haven’t lost an ounce all week!!!! However, my mental attitude is so much better…just having a plan, I think. My not being out of control halts some anxiety that clouds me continually when I’m on a binge (and my binges are really, truly, fully binges!) I don’t wake up in the morning with the first thoughts of my day full of negatively and self loathing, but rather thoughts of hope and gratefulness. I don’t think I’ve ever faced a December with such positivity.

I know there is a possibility of having days where “No” isn’t a word my body will heed, but today, it is. I’ve been able to say, “No, I am not eating that cookie….that candy…that…whatever!” Even more importantly…I’ve been able to say, “No, I may have just eaten too much dinner, but I will not continue eating for the rest of the night!” That victory alone is a biggie because my mentality has always been off-kilter when it comes to guilt and rationality, and eating normally.

I am now making plans to start the treadmill again on Monday….or even this weekend!

I also slept much better last night, and I hope that’s a start of a new phase of my life.
Sleeping! (big, happy sigh)

I am most thankful.

One More Time

Obviously, I reopened this blog.

My news today is that I lost 6.4 pounds
on my first Weight Watcher's weigh in.
I call that my headstart for the new year.

I am On the Road Again...

the road to getting heathy and feeling better,
both mentally and physically.
On the Road Again to finding out
what it is that makes me eat like I eat.

Total Whine-Why-Me Fest

I'm really fighting negativity this morning.   I really want to give into it and wallow in self-pity for a while.   Instead, I'm going ramble in a post that may or may not be deleted.

I sure don't understand why things are not as they should be.   The Bible says:

1) Draw close to Him and He'll draw close to me.
2) Seek and I will find, knock and it will be opened to me.
3) Ask and it will be given to me.

I really don't see those things happening.    Yes, I have much to be thankful for, and I am very grateful for all the mercy God has shown me, but I would like to see some prayers answered.

This weekend, my church hosted Dutch Sheets and his Reformation Tour.   It was mostly music and worship.   Teenagers, kids (and some adults) jumping up and down at the front, and it was a little chaotic.   I was there for most of the time, and I kept hearing people saying "how awesome" it was, but I found it hard to concentrate through all the activity.   Since I was seemingly the only one who couldn't get into to all that, I wondered if there is something wrong with me.   I mean...maybe I can't get to where I want to be with Christ because I can't get into jumping up and down and "dancing" during worship.  "Worship with abandon" if you will.  The music was good, the musicans were very talented, but I didn't know any of the songs (I think they were original pieces); so therefore, I couldn't sing along.    Is it me, or is it them?    I tried not to be just a spectator, and tried to get into worship, but it was a little hectic.

This morning, R walked past me and said, "Your butt is really pooching out there this morning."   It upset me.  Then he came up and started touching my butt like he was amazed at how big it was.    I got really upset and yelled at him.   And yelled.   He said he was trying to give me a compliment.   I said, "I don't know how "your butt is really pooching out there" is a compliment.   Several times, I shouted how much I hated myself, and things like that didn't help me any.   He's not normally a cruel person, and I don't think he was trying to be cruel, but I felt that he was.   I whined to God all the way to work through my tears wondering why I'm not seeing the three things above.   I am having a hard time not doubting my "freedom's coming" this morning.   I have these promises, right?    I have the promise of freedom.   I am supposed to be free.   I am not...I am still fighting the same battle, for years and years now, and I'm so...frustrated.  Upset.  Unhappy.  Angry, even.   Guilt laden because I'm feeling any and all of the above.  

I have asked God repeatedly...begged...for Him to change me from the inside out.   To renew my mind, transform my heart.   I've tried to draw close to Him.   I don't know what else I can do to get there, but I feel like the stalker girlfriend who's continally trying to gain the attention of her object of desire, but continually held at arms length. 

Is it because I can't get into marathon worship sessions?   I pray a lot...I pray alone.  I go to a private place and I pray.   I don't do a lot of loud praying and yelling in public.   I can get loud, but normally, I talk to God like I'd talk to any other person.   I sit at the altar alone and talk to Him, and pray for family and friends, and things going on in the world, and America, and folks that I read about in the paper or hear about in the news.  

I'm really, really confused.   I choose to believe that the Bible is true, every word of it.  Therefore, it can't be God, it must be me.   As I struggle to make sense of where I am today, and I struggle to make sense of what the Bible says, and where my life is, and how I can't get the two to line up...I just end up in a state of confusion.  

I'm trying to be still and know that He is God.   But I'm not doing a good job of it today.

R. called as soon as I got to work.   He wanted to make sure I was OK.   I guess he feels bad about how upset I was.   I'm just really, really needing some tangible results right now...

I'm feeling guilty for even feeling this way when I know there are people in this world who have problems much greater than mine.   But a hurt is a hurt, and I'm hurting. 

Epiphany

Something has bothered me for a while.   Job.   Yes, that book all about the man who endured so much, and came out of it with a deeper understanding of who he was and who God was.

I never could understand why God instigated satan against Job.   God, Himself, called Job blameless and upright, so why let this calamity befall him?

I've sought answers here and there, and while I agreed that "God is in control,"  and "we are the clay, He is the potter,"  I just couldn't make it all make sense to me.  I didn't fully grasp or appreciate exactly what that meant.

Today during lunch, I went to my car...I was intending to do a little sketching, but instead I picked up my Bible to read a chapter or two and thought I'd sketch afterwards.   I flipped my bible open, and there was Job 38 staring me in the face. 

4) “ Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth?

Tell Me, if you have understanding.

5) Who determined its measurements?

Surely you know!

Or who stretched the line upon it?

6) To what were its foundations fastened?

Or who laid its cornerstone,

7) When the morning stars sang together,

And all the sons of God shouted for joy?

And the questions go on and on and on in Job.

Far deeper than any question I had.

Among the questions I've had in the past is whether or not God is personally involved with us.   Did He just put things into motion and then take His hands off?   All of those questions are laid to rest.   God is in control.   If it happens to me, He allowed it.   I may not always like it, but He has a master plan, and I am part of it.  Even if it breaks my heart.  Even if it forever changes my life.  Even if it kills me.  He allowed it, and there is a reason.  

I think He recorded the story of Job so that I, years and years afterwards, could realize that He, ultimately, is in control and there is none like Him.

Everyone else may have had that figured out.   

It took me a while. 

Who indeed.

I feel a poem coming on.

Gnats and the Most High God

A few nights ago, I had a dream. I walked into my bathroom (a place of cleansing) and it was full of gnats, swarming everywhere. I clapped my hands together and killed several of them, then I got some spray and sprayed the room. Once the gnats were gone, I noticed a hornet (wasp) on one of the bathroom shelves.  I can understand gnats….pesky critters. I can understand my killing them. But why was there still a hornet in my bathroom to bother me? Actually, it wasn't bothering me, other than I knew it was there.

Yesterday, I went into my prayer closet, and I really called out to God. I spent some time reading Isaiah and Psalms, and then I heard in my spirit, “Write!” So I did what any normal human would do, I said, “God, is that You telling me to write? If it is, let me open my Bible up and see the word “write.” I opened my Bible up, and .... I didn’t see write. So I laid my pencil back down and mumble something to God about just wanting to be sure because I can’t always tell his voice from the “other voices” in my head, namely my own…and possibly the enemy. I then assured God I was only asking for confirmation. (I don’t doubt God can speak to me. I doubt my ability to hear Him.) I heard in my spirit, “You write, I will confirm what I say.” 

So I picked up my pencil and paper again, and wrote what I heard:

"You must learn to trust. Know Me. Love Me. Trust Me. I have chosen you, and I have loved you always. You have always belonged to Me, and My help has always been yours. You simply must reach and take what is rightfully yours because you are a child of the Most High God, your Redeemer, the King of Kings. 
Grasp who I am, and you will see who you are, and you are Mine. All that I have promised is yours, for My words do not fall void* to the ground, but they fall upon you and (my words) do as I say.  And I say you are free!”

I then did the ‘normal human thing’ again and said, “God if this is from you, please let me see “Most High God” in the Bible. I gave God three chances to let me see “Most High God” in random places in the Bible; that is, after the first time I didn't see "Most High God" I randomly opened the Bible twice more with the same results. I must say I came across some really encouraging scripture, but nothing that said “Most High God.” So I closed up my notebook, and went on about my day, and I didn’t think too much more about what I had written.

This morning at church, the preacher spoke about the sons of God, which he explained were the descendants of God. And if he said that we were sons and daughters of the Most High God once, he said it ten times, and he talked about Jesus being our redeemer. It was a great message. Somewhere after the first or second time I heard “Sons and Daughters of the Most High God,” I flipped my notebook back to the page where I had written the words above yesterday.

I wanted to cry.

When I got home, I decided to find “hornet” in the Bible, and came across this verse:

Deuteronomy 7:20 “Moreover, the LORD your God will send the hornet among them until even the survivors who hide from you have perished.”

I did cry.

To someone else, gnats and a hornet may not mean a thing, just a silly dream. But to me, I know that God has heard my cries for freedom from this pesky obsession and has gotten rid of the gnats for me. And he sent me a hornet to make sure that there are no survivors. Who the Son has set free is free indeed. Truly. Free.

I’m walking on sunshine. I am free, He said so. I am. He paid the price so long ago, and all I have to do is trust that He is my Kinsman Redeemer. It’s a matter of my believing who I am, and I am a child of the Most High God, and He says I am free. Therefore, I am.

*Void: useless; ineffectual; vain

The Wasted Life

In late January, I applied for an additional position here where I work.  It would be in addition to what I am doing now.   I found out Friday that it appears I won't even get an interview for it.   I think I'm qualified...I know I'd be good at it, and I was very disappointed.   I tried to tell myself not to give into the negativity that was surrounding me like a black clould and clawing at me like a hungry tiger.   But by the time I got home I did give into it, and I whined to my husband about how insignificant I was, how I was just a joke, and had I been thin, I would have gotten an interview.  I know I don't know that for sure, but I was pretty upset about it, and my thought process is that no one talked to me because I'm overweight.

I've always had a problem with feeling insignifcant.  Unliked by the general masses.  Unhappy with myself.   More like hating myself for being the way I am.   I felt fat in high school, but looking back on my high school pictures, I realize I wasn't fat.  Oh, the life I have wasted.


I've been confused lately.   I know my God is not the author of confusion, so I am looking to Him to help me figure this out.   God promises His children freedom.   He promised me, personally, freedom.   But here I am...still on the binge rollercoaster, and I just don't get it.    I see so many people who are in my boat...some not so bad, some worse, but there are plenty of us...morbidly obese.

I've been pleading with God for freedom from this obsession for several years.  On my own, I have very limited (if any) success, and I really need Him to intervene in this area of my life.   I know that everything is in God's timing...but it's not like I just started asking.   I try not to be impatient and frustrated, but I can't help the feelings of sadness, confusion and low self esteem.

I really feel polluted.  I feel so far away from where I want to be spiritually.   I know my life wouldn't be perfect if I were thin, that's not even the point.   It's more the obsession than my size anyway...it's the way I feel about myself.   Some days I do better than other days, remembering that my size does not define me, but some days...it does define me...because I let it define me.   I'm really...in an emotional upheaval right now.   I really want to lay this burden down and put on His yoke, but how?     How, indeed.    I await His answer.

God is in control, and He is for me, not against me.