Ultimately, it's just me making the choice

What shouldn't be a struggle is certainly a struggle.   I shouldn't wake up and my first thoughts be guilt for eating too much the night before, and wanting to eat yet even more.  It's not "normal" thinking.  Sometimes, like today, when it comes to losing weight, I feel like I'm barely hanging on.

And it can feel very lonely, like I'm in cold, cold water all by myself....

...even though I'm in a busy world with many people who feel just like me.

What it comes down to is just this...

I'm not alone, but I have to fly alone and make my choices

of how I'm going to take on the challenges of the day.

Only I can decide to either toss my goals to the wind

and spend another day on a binge, or make some better decisions,

exhibit some self control, and make hard choices that are good for me.

When my first desire is to eat and eat and eat,

I have to choose better, wiser, healthier...

Even though it feels like a very lofty (impossible) thing to do...

not eat...when all I want to do is put on a feed bag and

eat my way into oblivion.

So in the midst of the chaos of my thoughts, I am making

the decision to begin my day with prayer,

and on my treadmill,

instead of at a fast food restaurant.

I'm going to arm myself with some Psalms, and

even though my mind is screaming, "Let's EAT!"

  

I'm going to calm myself and my thoughts, and I AM going to

have a good day, with good choices, and know that God

is going to help me, because I have called on Him.

He is my Rock.   My Anchor.   I can do this, because

I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength.

UPDATE:   I just walked a 20 minute mile, down from 22 minutes just last week.   It's gonna be a good, good day!   (Not because I walked the faster mile, but because I am making good decisions, thank You, Lord.)   Now...for some reason...those "hard" choices aren't feeling so hard.

  

(All pictures taken by me of The Shoals, Alabama)

What a Wuss I am!

Yesterday morning,

I would have said that the numbers aren't the most important thing.

This morning,

I would call myself a liar!

Here's an equation to remember:

Chinese = water retention

UPDATE 2 hours later:

I was deceptive in the above statements.

Allow me to pontificate (I like that word).   It all started Thursday afternoon, when I made the decision to not go to the office party the next morning.   But, the next morning came, I was running late, didn’t have time to make a decent breakfast, and decided on the spur of the moment to go to the party.   I ate enough calories for the entire day.  But I did my exercise class, and for the next two meals, I did just fine, and I didn’t beat myself up.

Saturday morning, I got up feeling motivated, did my cardio workout…went to my sister’s birthday party, ate enough calories to last the whole day.   Then….finally…the Chinese buffet last night.   I don’t even have to say more than “buffet,” do I?   Today…I am really struggling to act right.   The only decisions and choices I want to make are the ones that are very bad food choices.  No self-control…I do NOT want to exhibit any self-control.    NONE.  I want to eat.

I’d ask God to take it from me, but I’d only hold on to it with both hands as He was trying to take it from me.   I not sure it works that way, anyway.   It’s probably more accurate thinking that I must make these decisions myself, and do it myself, no matter how hard it is.  I really don’t know.   I still believe in Freedom, but today, it’s cloudy.

In my previous entries I talked the talk…but I am hypocritically not walking the walk.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

Self Control

I’m having feelings of motivation…

a very unfamiliar emotion for me!

I’ve been talking about Choices and Changes,

but there’s one little detail I’ve largely ignored.

Self Control

::::groan::::

I didn’t know that Self Control was a fruit of the spirit!

Galatians 5:22-23

²² But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness, SELF-CONTROL. (emphasis mine)

Self control must be developed, and it is developed by putting it into play in my life.   The less I give in to temptation, the stronger I become.  I can’t pray myself into it.   It’s SELF control.  I have to do it.   Me.  And I can, because I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. 

Self control is developed when I am faced with temptations and practice restraint by not giving in to my whims to eat everything in sight!   And when I use it, I get stronger…and stronger, until my diet (my normal daily intake, not a diet per se) is no longer out of control.   At that point, my appetite is obedient to what I am dictating to it, not what it is dictating to me!   

I am not saying that self control means I can never have cookies or cake, or cheeseburgers or pizza again.  It means I have control over how much and how often I eat those things.  When I give into the temptation to overeat, my resolve to lose weight crumples, and before I know it, I am eating and eating...and eating.   

Now to see if I can practice what I preach!
It's not only not easy, it's HARD to do.
But I own my appetite, it doesn't own me.
It's time to stand up for myself!

I learned a lot from Joyce Meyer today,

even though she didn’t mention losing weight at all!

Today was weigh day…I lost 5.2 pounds!   Don’t get too excited…it was a do over.   It was weight I lost before Christmas and found during my two week Christmas vacation!   Ah, but I am on the road again!

I do have a hard time following all the WW rules.   There are people who strive follow every little aspect of the plan…they aren’t really doing any better than I am at this point.  I don’t count points every day…but I do try to keep mindful of what I’m doing because I don’t want to be wasting time and energy and money and continue to eat like a piglet.  Going to weigh is my accountability, weighing on Sunday helps me behave a little better on the weekends, though I have to say I hate dishing out $40/month for accountability.    Having said all this, I probably won’t stick to WW for the duration.   I’d like to add here that it’s not about the numbers, but at this point, for me to say that, it would be sheer hypocrisy.  I want to lose poundage. 

Watching the other ladies weigh today, I remember a time when I was just like most of them…wanting to shed every possible item I could and still remain decent before I got on the scales.   Today, I weighed in my hiking boots and sweat jacket.   I never take my shoes off (well, I do at home, but not at WW) for varied reasons, one of which is that I don’t like the idea of stepping on a scale in my bare feet that other sweaty feet have been stepping on for years.

It’s really not pretty watching a very obese lady stumble around trying to get her zip up boots on and off, or strip off to her tank top and spandex pants.    For sure it isn’t pleasant watching very overweight man strip down to his skivvies.   Nah, they weren’t really skivvies, but they were some sort of under garment.  

I know I’m floundering around here…I have no commitment, no consistency, and for all my talk in my previous entry, I make bad choices and basically am adverse to change.   But I do have the want-to.   The desire to change is there…I really want that renewed mind.

But I’m a work in progress.   I do intend to win.   I have God on my side.

New Year? Renewal Time!

I suppose I’ve known for some time that my biggest problem is me; more directly, my frame of mind.   I have nursed negativity about myself since I was preschool age.   I don’t claim to know if my food obsession is solely because of my own self image, but I think a big piece of the puzzle.   

Part of being On The Road Again, this time, is finding out not so much WHY (if there even is a “why”) but to learn exactly what freedom means.   Does my idea of freedom line up with God’s idea of freedom for me?  I fully believe in God’s freedom; and I believe, for me, His way is the only way.  But obviously, I have much to learn.   For the ten-plus years since I gave my heart to Christ, my “stinking thinking” hasn’t changed a whole lot.   It’s time for a reevaluation.  A revolution.   A resolution (not to be confused with goal) to win the raging battle of my thoughts…to get a renewed mind.

Just so that I’m clear in my own mind, I do have a goal of losing weight.   That goal, however, is to be a side effect of a real, honest-before-God mind renewal.   I resolve (with Christ as my strength) to win the Battle of the Mind, not the Battle of the Bulge.   If I can get my mind, my thoughts, to line up with what God’s plans for me are, my body will fall into subjection to those plans.   I am in control, I always was, but I haven’t stepped up to the plate to take the God-given responsibility for myself. 

Just as Weight Watchers is a tool for losing weight, I have a few tools for mind renewal, too.    I have two books by Joyce Meyer:   Battlefield of the Mind (which I have already read, an will reread) and Power Thoughts (I am currently reading.)     

If I think about this too hard, I realize that I don’t even know what it means to have a renewed mind…but I am going to find out.   God is merciful, with abundant, unending Grace.   He is my Anchor, my Rock; he is NOT my tool.   His Word is my Sword.   I want Him to be the love of my life, not food.

Welcome to my New Year!  

I hope yours is peaceful and happy, and RENEWED!

Earlier this year, in my back yard